I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
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