You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
