2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
