I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
