its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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