I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
