I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
