should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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