The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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