you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
