; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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