They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
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