He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
