i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
