He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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