i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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