Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
