they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
