Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
