my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
