I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
