You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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