I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
