there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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