You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
