everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
