Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
how drunk are you?
Several
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
