You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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