I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
