Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
