So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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