So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
