My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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