I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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