i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
