just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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