I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
