I skipped work to stalk him.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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