threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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