You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize
