But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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