I think I just saw someone hide a body.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
