Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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