Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
