omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
