Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
