Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
