grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
