who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
