my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
