an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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